


The Talk

by I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning



Series: Adopted Prompts [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Aromantic Qui-Gon, Asexual Dooku, Crack, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Demisexual Obi-Wan, Dooku As Decent Human Being, Gen, Humor, Qui-Gon has a Safety Drawer in the Bathroom, Safe to Read, Very Light Angst (and only if you squint)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 04:10:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13286700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning/pseuds/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning
Summary: I saw a prompt on tumblr. The Talk through the generations, from Yoda all the way down to Ahsoka, in search of humor. Who knows why, but the brain sparkles flocked to the scene.





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Original Prompt released by Moddy to find a new home: 
> 
> "Yoda giving the Talk to Dooku, Dooku giving the Talk to Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon giving the Talk to Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan giving the Talk to Anakin, Anakin giving the Talk to Ashoka. How much wisedom passed down from the origin and how much was changed? (I feel like this could be hilarious!)"

 

“A talk we need, hmm?”

Oh, boy.

Dooku knew what _this_ meant. Half of his friends had already had their “talks,” and the rest of them had listened in shock while that half explained exactly what had been said and how terrible it had been.

“Urges, some of your agemates have been feeling, hmm?”

“Yes, Master.” Dooku stared down at his hands, willing the conversation to be _over._

The Force was not merciful.

“Felt them yourself, you have not?”

Dooku’s shoulders sagged. He should have expected his master to sense his secret. “No.”

“Ashamed, you need not be,” Yoda replied, voice gentle. “Feel them later you might. Or not. Either way, fine that is.”

“But, Master, _all of my friends_ feel it, and they expect me to as well, and I just… _don’t._ ”

Yoda’s ears lifted. “Surprising that is. Among the Jedi, higher numbers of asexuals there are.”

“Maybe… maybe some of them are faking it. I mean. I have.” Dooku glanced away in shame.

“Fake? Why fake?” Yoda sounded confused. “Broken, you are not.”

“It’s just… Jocasta felt so sad and full of self-doubt. And I hated that I was the cause of it. So the next time, I just pretended I felt something. It made her feel better, and I just— she _is_ beautiful, Master.”

Yoda nodded. “The truth, serve you better would, my Padawan. Lie to your friends, you should not have to. Accept you, I think they will.”

“I don’t like being singled out.”

A gentle hand touched his knee in sympathy. “Alone you are not. Among the Jedi,  over three-quarters asexuals are. Room for differences there is. Yourself you must be.”

 

* * *

 

“Wait, _that’s_ what sex is?” Qui-Gon asked, baffled. “That’s not what I…”

Dooku was _looking_ at him.

Uh-oh.

_Maybe I shouldn’t mention I’ve already done that._

Qui-Gon’s ideas as to what the highly-whispered _sex_ would be about was something… _more._ I mean, sure, he’d… _you know,_ with Adi, but the first time he’d tapped into the Living Force had been better than that.

Sex had been nice, but it had been mostly in his body, and a little in his mind, but nothing like the connection he felt with other beings when seeing them through the Force’s eyes.

 _That_ was something _other._ It electrified every cell in his body and every impulse in his brain.

Qui-Gon felt a little justified in feeling like he’d been conned. Just a little. He’d really been looking forward to the wonders of sex his peers had been speculating over.

Well, maybe if he searched enough, he’d find something better, anyway. Perhaps he should try another species. Or gender. Or number of partners at once. Or tapping into the Force while—

 

* * *

 

Dooku could only groan and pretend not to notice when his Padawan turned out to be aromantic and always _at it_ with _someone._

Just…

Dear Force, _why_?

Couldn’t the sex-repulsed asexual have been paired with a less active Padawan?

 

* * *

 

“Obi-Wan. There’s a thing called sex.”

The thirteen-year-old’s cheeks went quite pink, and horror flooded the young eyes. “I— I’m aware, Master.”

“It’s nice, and you can have it with people as long as you make sure you have protection. Now, my master was old and didn’t like sex, but I remember what it was like to be young. There are condoms in the bathroom, along with a few other safety methods. You can use them yourself, or give them to your friends, if they need access to something. Just always make sure you have clear and enthusiastic consent from whatever partners you’re with for anything you try out.”

The Force twisted painfully around his Padawan, signaling the boy just wanted to die. Preferably immediately. And disappear promptly afterwards.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Qui-Gon assured him. “It’s just a bodily function like taking a dump.”

A tiny noise escaped Obi-Wan, quickly followed by a squeaked, “Master?”

“Yes, Obi-Wan?”

“M-may I go? I have homework?”

“Certainly, as long as you can say back to me what I just told you.”

He was _trembling_ now.

_Oh, my ridiculous Padawan._

“Never without protection; always get consent?”

“Exactly. Experiment as much as you like, Obi-Wan. And if you have any questions, you can always ask me.”

The teenager fled from the room.

Well. That was done. On to lunch.

 

* * *

 

Obi-Wan had a severe case of the jitters.

He’d been putting off talking to Anakin about… _it,_ but he really couldn’t any more.

Not if he wanted Anakin to find out _without_ Obi-Wan’s input at all.

Although, on second thought, that might be better—

“What is it?” Anakin asked, dropping onto the couch and staring at Obi-Wan, who sat stiffly on the edge of a chair.

“Sometimes, someone you know… you start feeling things for them. And if—” Obi-Wan’s voice failed, and he stared helplessly at his Padawan.

Dawning horror began to creep over Anakin’s face.

“If— sometimes your body begins to feel things too.”

“We really don’t have to do this,” Anakin pleaded.

“No— no, we do. Qui-Gon asked me to raise you, and I—” _I can’t fail him._

And, after all, Obi-Wan _did_ know what sexual attraction was. He’d experienced it, once, even if he hadn’t _actually_ had sex. The time hadn’t felt right. It still didn’t.

And she was very, very far from here.

“Protection is important,” he found himself finishing, and _despaired_ at how lame it sounded.

“I know,” Anakin replied, slipping into his sullen mode.

“The Temple classes on gender and puberty and orientation—”

“Yeah. I’m not skipping out on any of them. I know this stuff, Master.”

“I’m demi. Sexual.”

A flicker of interest flared in Anakin’s eyes. “And… Qui-Gon?”

“A— self-proclaimed aromantic slut.”

Anakin’s eyes flew wide. “Oh.”

“I just— whatever you find yourself to be, it’s alright, Anakin.” It was something he’d wished Qui-Gon had emphasized first. Instead of assuming Obi-Wan would want to try.

Because…

He hadn’t.

And he’d felt he’d had to hide that from his master.

_Even though I knew he meant well._

Anakin lifted his gaze to meet Obi-Wan’s for a split second, and gave a nod to show he’d heard.

Obi-Wan bolted from the room, falling into bed and pressing his palms to his eyes.

If that was the last time he spoke of sex with _anyone,_ he’d be alright with that.

Very.

 

* * *

 

“So, Snips.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you like girls or boys or both or everything or nothing?”

“ _Skyguy!_ ”


End file.
